Live Blog-- 2012 NBA Slam Dunk Contest

Personally, I've had a tough time finding the Slam Dunk Contest credible since Gerald Green blew out a candle and lost to Dwight Howard, who didn't even dunk it. Last year, it was especially lame because it was rigged for Blake Griffin to make it to the final round and jump over a car. To complete the lameness, I'm expecting someone to literally jump a shark this year.

That said, it's still pretty awesome. So I'll be live blogging it, along with the other All-Star nonsense that the NBA does, including the Three-Point Shooting Contest, the Shooting Stars, and the Skills Challenge, also known as the Steve Nash Award for Hustle and Chest-Passing.

I understand coverage starts at 8pm, so check back then.

Well, I guess the competitions don't start until 8:30. Until then, TBS will be broadcasting a half hour of their commentators telling inside jokes with each other.

Spike Lee is there, wearing what a novelty Jeremy Lin shirt. He better get on his movie "Lin Doin' Work" soon before Lin realizes he plays for the Knicks and begins to suck.

I'm hoping that the slam dunk contest includes animals this year. And fire. Maybe animals on fire. Remember, this year, the fan vote decides the winner, so refuse to vote for someone unless they dunk while holding a burning dog.

They asked Russell Westbrook his strategy to win the skills competition, and he said, (paraphrased) "Don't try that hard." When asked how he thought he would do, Deron Williams said, (paraphrased) "I don't care, so I probably won't win."

Considering this is a weekend all about current All-Stars, they seem to be talking a lot about Shaquille O'Neal.

Looks like the graphics people at TBS discovered how to make lasers while making this intro.

To start the show, they show some of the celebrities who are in attendance: Mary J. Blige (my birthday buddy), Chris Brown, Chris Tucker, Bill Russell, and... Wolf Blitzer. I just wasn't expecting that.

They should redo the shooting stars competition format and just make it a half-court contest. That's the only good part of it.

Reggie Miller just said the Shooting Stars thing is going to be the best. He must be bitter and not care about three-point shooting at all.

Both Texas and New York hit their half-court shots early. That's gotta be painful to watch for those fans who have missed half-court shots with a million dollars on the line.

This Foot Locker commercial with dunking over snowmen would work a lot better if global warming didn't prevent this winter from ever happening.

Home team Orlando is really blowing it in this contest, not hitting any shots. Only this time, they can't blame the refs.

Being a ball boy for this contest is way less cool than being a ball boy for the Home Run Derby. But at least these kids can catch it.

Another commercial break. This is colossally boring television.

The announcers saying that Kenny Smith's first-try half-court shot make was "huge." This is the Shooting Stars contest; they lack an understanding of the meaning of the word "huge."

Team New York wins. Spike Lee has something to celebrate for the first time since Isaiah Thomas left as head coach.

The intro for the Skills Competition has some of the most exciting inbound passes in NBA history. But I'm not sure why this broadcast needs to have a short music video before each contest.

Rajon Rondo will win this if he can get through it without picking up a technical foul.

Tony Parker is still playing? Isn't he like 90?

Rondo with a respectable time and a nice behind the back move. In a game, he likely would have been stripped, but those NBA logos don't play good defense.

Kyrie Irving, MVP in the rookie/sophomore game, is walking through this. An insult to this Taco Bell-sponsored game.

Deron Williams with one of the best bounce passes in the history of the sport of basketball. That is why we watch this, for great plays like that. Incredible bounce pass. We'll be talking about that bounce pass for YEARS to come.

Russell Westbrook, who always reminds me of a Goomba from the Super Mario Brothers movie, with a respectable time, but he was immediately knocked out by old man Tony Parker.

John Wall and Rajon Rondo tied! Are they going to do a pass-off?!

No, they just run it again. Rondo gets 27.5 seconds. I hope they tie again and just keep doing tie-breakers for hours.

After knowing he lost, John Wall tried to do a self-pass off the backboard for a sick dunk. It was a bad pass. Turned out to just be really embarrassing. Glad he isn't in the dunk contest.

The best part of this night is that Lebron James isn't involved.

Ah, God damn it. Right as I typed that, they show a shot of Lebron sitting next to his friend Dwayne Wade.

I guess that are allowed to travel. Rondo with some awful bounce passes. To all those kids reading this, focus on the fundamentals: bouncing passes through big circles.

Tony Parker won. It seems silly to reward jogging, but whatever.

For those wondering, Deron Williams dogging it after missing his shots cost the kid paired with him $5,000 in scholarship money, as he came in 3rd rather than 2nd.

I think Dwayne Wade wants to look like Kanye West, what with his thick glasses and such.

I'm rooting for Kevin Durant in the three-point contest because I once gave him directions. He's so much taller than me, so it took a few minutes for the sound of my voice to reach his ears, though.

Nice segue from honoring the Armed Forces to Charles Barkley, "a force of one."

James Jones said he and fellow Heat member Mario Chalmers "have two of the best teammates ever." Is that a shot at Chris Bosh?

Charles Barkley now discussing whose jersey you could or could not wear "in the ghetto."

Chalmers: Good. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Miss. Miss. Good. Miss. Miss. Miss. Good. Miss. Good. Miss. Miss. Good. Miss. Good. 18 points.

Love: Good. Miss. Miss. Good. Miss. Good. Miss. Miss. Miss. Good. Good. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Miss. 18 points.

Morrow: Good. Miss. Miss. Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Miss. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Good. Good. Miss. Miss. Miss. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Good. (out of time) 14 points

This is fun.

Commercial for Max Payne 3, the game. Max Payne was pretty awesome, especially with the slow-mo deaths scenes when you killed the last people in a room. Also I liked killing the drug addicts in that one hotel in the first part.

Kevin Durant has an unfair advantage because he's so much taller than everyone. Also, it's unfair that he's such a nice guy.

Durant: Good. Miss. Good. Good. Good. Miss. Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Miss. Miss. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Good. 20 points.

Anderson: Miss. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Miss. Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Miss. 17 points.

Jones: Miss. Good. Miss. Miss. Good. Good. Good. Good. Miss. Miss. Good. Good. Good. Good. Miss. Miss. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. 22 points.

Tiebreaker, Chalmers: Miss. Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Miss. Miss. Good. Miss. (out of time, 24-second limit in tie-breaker) 4 points

Tiebreaker, Love: Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Miss. Miss. Miss. Good. Miss. (out of time) 5 points

For tie-breakers, they should have let the other guy try to block their shots. I guess that could have that in the whole thing to make this more exciting.

Apparently Don Cheadle is calling, texting, and/or tweeting Reggie Miller and Charles Barkley RIGHT NOW.

Love: Miss. Miss. Miss. Miss. Good. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Miss. Miss. Good. Miss. Good. Miss. 16 points.

You hate to miss the money ball, or Moneyball, the Oscar-nominated movie. (Oscars tomorrow!)

Durant: Miss. Good. Good. Good. Good. Miss. Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Miss. Miss. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Miss. Miss. Miss. Good. Good. 16 points.

Jones: Miss. Miss. Miss. Good. Miss. Miss. Miss. Miss. Miss. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Good. Miss. Miss. Good. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Miss. Miss. Miss. Good. 12 points

James Jones just blew it, badly.

Love, championship tie-breaker: Good. Good. Miss. Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Miss. Good. Miss. Good. Miss. Miss. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Good. Miss. Miss. Miss. 17 points.

Barkley said it isn't his fault that Lebron James is going bald. He then used the term "preemptive strike" to say what you should do when you shave your head as you go bald. This was while Kevin Love was shooting for the championship tie break.

Durant: Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Miss. Miss. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Good. Miss. Good. Good. Miss. Miss. Miss. Good. Miss. Good. Miss. Miss. 14 points.

What's most impressive about Kevin Love's win is that he also picked up 12 rebounds while shooting to record a double-double.

Now it's time for what we've all been waiting for: the severely watered-down and shortened Slam Dunk Contest with people I've never heard of!

Oh, no, first it's Flo Rida.

I think Flo Rida plays for the Orlando Magic.

Whoa. What was that thing, with two bodies and swords in the Clash of the Titans 2 commercial? Is it competing in the Slam Dunk Contest? I bet it can do some dope moves.

Do people still say "dope" to mean cool?

Do people still say "cool"?

As I mentioned earlier, Chris Brown is there. I hope someone slam dunks on his face.

America votes on the winner! Hooray!

They put computer chips into the rim. Is it really necessary to quantify slam dunks like that? What a waste of M.I.T. talent.

P. Diddy stole the mic, but all he had to say was "What's up Orlando? What's up Orlando?"

Buddinger just jumped over P. Diddy. Not sure if that's really the best dunk, but still. Was he sitting at home thinking, "Man, I got a great idea for a dunk. I wonder if anyone I know knows P. Diddy."

Jeremy Evans' was not great, mainly because his bounce almost went directly in. He should cut the theatrics and focus on power dunking and jam-slamming.

Paul George is going to jump over everyone in the arena.

And, he didn't make it. He might end up sitting on his shoulders while he dunks.

And he made it. Not a bad dunk. He did kind of push himself up and then junk the guy in the head, though.

A mascot driving a motorcycle. This has officially become the stupidest shit in the world.

Derrick Williams windmills over a motorcycle; is that better than Blake Griffin boring-dunk over a car?

If only they could add more props and nonsense and skits to this contest.

Barkley just called out America for electing George W. Bush.

Buddinger follows up his P. Diddy dunk with one of the most boring dunks I've ever seen in my life.

Jeremy Evans just double-dunked over a dude sitting in a chair. That was good. Makes up for his awful first dunk.

Paul George has a nice glow-in-the-dark 360 dunk. He must have burned through a lot of blacklight bulbs while practicing that.

Derrick Williams received a pass from off the side of the backboard. It was alright, but avid fans of the Slam Dunk Contest will remember that someone did a cooler version of that a couple years ago.

They each have one dunk left. No animals have been used yet. No fire, either, though the glow in the dark was pretty close. I hope someone includes rollerblades in theirs. Or a gun.

So far I have to say I'm underwhelmed with these anonymous slam-dunkers. Jeremy Evans' two-ball dunk was very good. Paul George's glow-in-the-dark gimmick was nice and gimmicky, but not as good. Other than those two, they have all sucked. I haven't voted yet.

Buddinger is gonna go blind-folded. Hope the Houston Rockets have great insurance.

He missed the first one. I can't judge though, because I definitely can't do any part of this.

And he finishes by dunking backwards. Not bad, but his first dunks were quite weak. I'm still gonna wait to vote.

Jeremy Evans puts on a Karl Malone jersey, most likely in an attempt to get people to vote for him because they think he is Karl Malone. He dunks over the shortest person in the building. This is a bummer of a contest.

Paul George mistakenly shouts out to Larry Brown before correcting himself-- it's for Larry Bird.

He's trying to stick Larry Bird's face on the backboard as he dunks.

This is hard to watch. I could definitely miss as many dunks as he has so far.

Not great. But the Larry Bird thing was a nice touch.

Still hoping for a somersault or some type of acrobatics. This is the last dunk now.

Derrick Williams is going to try to suspend gravity to do this dunk.

I'm bored now.

He keeps missing. I think he forgot how to play basketball.

And he goes to lame-ass back-up dunk. Of course I still can't do it.

Well, this was probably not worth it to live blog. But I'll stick around to see who wins. I'll go with Evans for that two-handed thing, because that was the only impressive dunk of the night.

I don't care if I sound like a slam dunk snob right now.

She said votes were cast around the world, but they told me "America votes." That's bull.

Jeremy Evans won. She seemed to read it off a piece of paper, though, which is suspicious given that all votes were digital.

At least there is justice, given that the only good dunk, the Jeremy Evans two-handed dunk, won.

It is embarrassing that he won with 29% of the vote, given that there were only 4.

Well, thanks for reading. Sorry the contests sucked so much, but that's not my fault.

Super Bowl and Presidential Politics

Two years ago, I wrote about how the Super Bowl was a clear analogy for the political circumstances of 2010. I compared the Indianapolis Colts to the Republicans and the Saints to the Democrats, and hilariously predicted that a Saints win would lead to Democratic gains in the midterm elections. I was much dumber then, obviously-- I thought "Super Bowl" was one word.

Today, though, I still see important parallels between the most American annual event and the most American quadrennial event. Super Bowls and elections play such a major role in our lives-- there is not a child in this country that doesn't wish they could win one or the other (or, when Lynn Swann's case, both). This year, Mitt Romney is the Patriots, and everyone else are the Giants.

Thoughts from Sibor Space: A Super Bowl Proposal for You

by Doug Sibor, Serum guest blogger

With the Super Bowl a mere two days away, I find myself having a hard time figuring out the best way to cope with my excitement. For many, myself included, this is like having a second Christmas*. However, this anticipation has nothing to do with the fact that my beloved New England Patriots are once again in the game. Indeed, the Super Bowl brings about another, altogether different occasion to celebrate: Gambling Armageddon.

*Or second Hanukkah, for my fellow children of Israel

Most people who have watched football know that casual (and serious) gambling is a vital element of what makes football America’s most popular sport. The Super Bowl takes this idea to seemingly impossible heights, and creates out of thin air incentive for almost any person to watch the game. If you’re willing to plunk down a couple bucks, even if you don’t ever watch football, there’s something in this game for you. I give you the Super Bowl “proposition” bets.

Billy's Opinion: My New Personal Privacy Policy and Terms of Use

To all who interact with me in any way, please read my new Privacy Policy and Terms of Use. If you continue to interact with me after February 3, 2012, it will be under these policies:

Definitions:
Any and all persons who may or might interact with me at anytime in the future shall be henceforth referred to as "you."
Billy Palumbo shall be henceforth referred to as "I," or "me," depending on the grammatical dictates of the sentence.

While I will not actively attempt to sell your email address and/or all other information I know about you, if someone offers me money, then I will accept.

You are prohibited from recounting any of our interactions, unless it is to tell someone about a funny thing I said. I reserve the right to recount any of our interactions to anyone I choose, even in a snide, sarcastic, and insulting manner.

By analyzing word clouds of our conversations, I will publicly display what I determine are your primary interests for all to see, so that they can advertise to you better.

If you begin a conversation with me, I have the right to end it at anytime. Furthermore, I reserve the right to continue any conversation until my witty jokes, enlightening anecdotes, or knowledge-proving fact-spouting is complete, and you will be expected to listen.

If I give you a nickname, you must answer to it from then on.

Sometimes I sing my sentences, and I'm not going to apologize anymore.

Being in my way or cutting in front of me in any public or shared space is strictly prohibited. Failure to comply will result in a dirty look.

Any favors asked of me will require a fee of 5% of the favor's value, as determined by me.

Don't bother asking because yes, I am going to eat that and, as such, you cannot have some.

Failure to understand that I am allergic to tree nuts and not peanuts will result in termination of friendship/acquaintanceship/colleagueship and/or whatever relationship we had up to that time.

If I have something on my face and/or in my teeth, you are expected to tell me. If you have something on your face, however, I will feel too awkward to say anything. It is your responsibility to check your own face in a mirror every five minutes to prevent said awkward feelings.

If I give you my phone number, you should discreetly hide it in your phone contacts under "The King," "His Highness," or something similar.

If you give me your phone number, I will tweet it and say that it is Justin Bieber's number.

Don't talk to me in a public bathroom. Really, don't be in a bathroom if I am in there.

Upon meeting, if you want to engage in any kind of relationship, you should provide me with a profile picture and summary of your interests so I can decide whether or not I want to interact with you. If requested, be prepared to provide hundreds of other photos for review.

Anything you say, write, send, or gesture to me is considered an unsolicited submission, and becomes my intellectual property. You will not be credited.

No texting after midnight. My vibrating phone scares me.

Primary Write-In Suggestions

Are you dissatisfied with the candidates for the Presidency? If so, you must be a person.

Just because Mitt Romney has wrapped up the nomination doesn't mean the primaries are over! Instead of casting a meaningless vote for a candidate/real person, try writing in some joke names. We've compiled a list of names to write in when you cast your ballot. (Democrats, the fun isn't just for Republicans. Remember, you can still vote against Obama in your state's primary!)

Minnie Mouse
Roger Rabbit
Roger Ebert
Ghost of George Siskel

Live Blog-- State of the Union 2012

According to the Constitution, the President is forced once a year to go on TV in front of a bunch of people who hate him and tell the country what he wants to, and will probably fail to, do in the up-coming year. This is often difficult to watch for most Americans, because there are no commercial breaks for going to the bathroom or getting a beer. Regardless, I will be watching and live blogging.

Among the issues I hope to see Obama talk about: job creation, education, and how to get my cat to stop scratching me.

8:15pm-- Feel free to review my live blog of last year's State of the Union, which I will not be reading to make sure I don't repeat the same jokes.

8:20pm-- Start speculating on who will be put in a secret bunker in case something terrible happens. My guess is Barack Obama.

8:25pm-- I'm watching the Bruins game until the speech starts. I understand that Tim Thomas has decided not to the watch the State of the Union, but I'm not sure if it's for political reasons or because there is no TV on the end of the bench.

Mitt Romney's Running Mate Options

It's obvious that Mitt Romney will be the Republican nominee. And while some people might complain about the prediction-heavy culture of political pundritry and how it leads to only media-deemed "viable" candidates having any chance, nothing is going to change. So we've decided to look past all the remaining primaries and think about who Mitt Romney could select as his running mate.

Ron Paul:
Right now, Ron Paul is the number two Republican in the race, a feat that would have been so unexpected four years ago (and I'll bet Mike Gravel is kicking himself for not challenging Obama in the primaries). His popularity makes him necessary to discuss. But I doubt Romney could stomach selecting him.
Pro: Would guarantee victory in November, as everything from pure-blood Republicans to pseudo-libertarian hipster pacifists would vote for that ticket.
Con: Romney would face tough criticism for his foreign policy views during the campaign-- from Ron Paul.

Editorial: The Serum Magazine Will Never Again Write About Rick Santorum

After an excitingly close Iowa Caucus yesterday, former Senator Rick Santorum has emerged as a potential top-tier candidate in the race for the Republican nomination. We at The Serum Magazine find this to be extremely offensive, and, for the sake of decency, will never again write about Rick Santorum.

Yes, we understand that he is just one successful showing in South Carolina away from being Mitt Romney's main (and possibly only) competition.And yes, we understand that conservatives in the party could flock to Santorum when forced to choose between the two. And yes, we understand that this means Rick Santorum actually has a chance (small, but still) of winning the nomination. And that this means that Rick Santorum actually has a chance (smaller, but still) of becoming the next President of the United States of America. But we flat-out refuse to mention his name or allude to him in anyway from now on (unless/until he quits the race).

Our readers expect a certain class of commentary from The Serum Magazine. Any mention of Rick Santorum, any quotation of Rick Santorum, or any outlining of Rick Santorum's policies will necessarily degrade this website, its message, its writers, and its readers. I think it's safe to assume that most readers of The Serum don't want to hear about him anyway. So I'll do you all a favor-- rather than insult him or point out his logical, moral, ethical, legal, and facial flaws, I will pretend he does not exist.

It's a defense mechanism, really. Santorum's face makes me sad and angry. I will probably kill myself if he gets elected. I don't want to kill myself, so I'll just have to prepare myself to live in a fantasy world where he simply does not exist. 

Also, nothing he does matters because Mitt Romney is going to be the nominee.

Billy's Opinion: Third Party Candidates and The Most Convoluted Way To Re-Elect Barack Obama

As avid glancers of The Serum Magazine know, I am a big fan of third- and non-party candidates. I feel there is nothing more American or democratic than letting anyone who thinks they should be President get their message out and giving the people a chance to hear more than just two very similar people's corporate-backed opinions.

Well, next year could lead to a lot of soul-searching for me and this love of third parties, as Donald Trump is said to be considering a run as an independent. He is certainly rich enough to be included in debates, too, which means that he could be the most successful third party candidate since (and, God forbid, might even eclipse) Ross Perot. It would indeed be tragic if I get to drink soda again because of Trump.

13 Possible Outcomes in Iowa Caucus

We are just weeks away from the Iowa Caucuses and the official start of the delegate-selection season for the 2012 Presidential Election. The holiday season and turn of the year is a crucial time, especially given that the Iowa Caucuses will take place on January 3rd. Unfortunately, though, all but one candidate will fail to meet their New Year's Resolution of "Be Elected President."

While you could easily go to reputable news organizations and respected political analysts to get an idea of who the Iowa polls indicate will win, I've decided to take a different approach. The polls are changing too much too drastically every single day. So, inspired in part by ESPN's NFL Playoff Machine, I will be making a list of many possible first-through-fourth finishing order of the Iowa Caucus, and what each would mean to the race at large.