Billy's Opinion: Subway Games

Going to work blows. Riding the subway doesn't have to. Here are some games to help pass the time. Remember, be competitive!


This is My Stop!
Regardless of the station, act as though you are the only person exiting the train at your stop. Loudly declare that you would like to exit the car, extra points if you do so before the doors open, and double extra points if it's before the train stops. During rush hour, you can earn near-infinite combos by shoving past others to get off the train first.


What's Wrong With That Seat?
Game pieces: A crowded train, one or more empty seats. No one sits. Is it the fear of seeming selfish or lazy or in case a pregnant, elderly, and/blind person shows up unexpectedly-- or is it because there is something wrong with the seat? Observe the cushions: is there a stain? A spill? Is the person in the next seat over leaning too far? Do they smell bad? Is the air conditioner dripping directly above it? But as you try to solve this mystery, be careful! Danger lurks with every glance at the seat, for if any other passenger catches you looking at it, you must sit down.


Watching Someone Play Froot Snood Or Whatever That Game Is
How long can you peer over someone's shoulder, hypnotized by their pointless, mind-numbing game, shaking your head at every wrong move or strategic error on their part? Find out with this fun subway game! If you go undetected in your game-spying for five minutes, earn extra points by shouting "Clusterbomb!" or "Where's that red one gonna go?"


Was That Person Looking At Me?
Assert your dominance by aggressively and ceaselessly leering at anyone who makes even fleeting eye contact with you. Make it clear that, while they certainly are not permitted to look at you, you can look at whoever the hell you want.

Sorry, I'm Holding This Pole
If anyone touches the pole nearest you, you lose.

This Train Isn't Loud Enough for the Both of Us
If two people with headphones that can be heard over five feet away enter the train, everyone else must clear the aisle to allow for a dance-off. Winner can crank their iPod up to the highest volume; loser is ejected at the next station.

Seriously, Is That Person Still Looking At Me?
Using your observational/judgmental skills, determine what that guy's problem is. If you are unable to ascertain this information on your own, you must inquire: "Yo, what's your fuckin' deal, guy?" Alternatively, you can pass the ball off to another passenger and credit for an assist by gesturing to the person in question, turning to someone else and muttering, "What's with this fucking guy?"


Work Email... or Elicit Affair???
A commuter pulls out their phone and pull up their email app. Are they following up on a job-related message-- or are they planning an impromptu rendezvous with a secret lover? Take a guess, then confirm by reading over their shoulder as they type. Be sure to interpret their message however you want: "I'll get those documents to you ASAP, and I'll cc Henry" could be innocuous office-speak or a filthy, filthy innuendo.


This is My Stop variant: Is This My Stop?
For every second that passes after the doors open at a given station, you earn a point, just as long as you get off the train before the doors close. You keep racking up points until your entire body has cleared the doors, so use any means necessary to stall-- ask another passenger to hold the door while you collect your things, drop a bag just as you exit, or put one foot on the platform but lean back to read the subway map. You lose all your points if the doors close before you exit, but you can at least make it a draw by loudly cursing the driver for not giving you enough time. 10,000 points if the door crushes you. Tourists are really good at this game, but that's just beginners' luck.

Whatcha Readin'?
A passenger reads on a Kindle. See how many pages of reading over her shoulder it takes before you figure out what it is. Bonus points if you correctly guess what it is beforehand. Hint: If it's a woman, it's either 50 Shades of Grey or it isn't, and I would never bet on the field. That may sound sexist, but I've never seen a man read anything but Howard Stern's Private Parts.

Who's the Drunkest? 
The rules are simple: You just have to determine, through a demonstrated lack of balance, inability to control voice volume, unexplained friendliness or desire to sing, and/or smell, which of your fellow passengers is the most inebriated. Here's the catch-- if you are unable to figure for sure who is the drunkest, chug nips until it's you.

Billy's Opinion-- Here Lies Billy Palumbo: "How tall is Jamie Moyer"

For some probably morbid reason, I've been thinking about last words lately. I obviously think it's important to sum up your entire essence and being with your last semi-lucid act. But let's be honest here: these days, it's all about the Internet. If you are putting any weight into last words, whether they are your own or someone else's, then you are living in the past. People don't speak words anymore. People type them. We type a lot of stuff-- statuses, tweets, emails, chats, angry caps-lock comments, etc, but I think people's Google searches represent them better than anything they ever say could. So instead of memorializing people based on their final utterance, let's judge them on their last Google search.

Think about it. Most of what we say is veiled to make us come off as better, smarter, wiser, cooler, nicer, etc., than we really are. It's almost impossible to judge a person based on their own words. We shouldn't be remembering people's lives based on what they said; we should be remembering people based on what they wanted to know. To truly know what the last thing on someone's mind was, we shouldn't turn to their speech, we should turn to their internet history.

You might think that if people were only keeping track of last Googles, it would ruin some of the most legendary last words. But I say it would only enhance and modernize them. Take these three old-timey dead people's words and consider if they had died in 2013. 

Dylan Thomas' "I've had 18 straight whiskeys. I think that's the record" is pretty good. But much more appropriate would be if the poet were immortalized by his fumbled attempt for help: "alcoohopl piodsoonng" (which Google smartly redirects). 

Pancho Villa's (alleged) last words: "Don't let it end this way. Tell them I said something." We could get the same desperation if he were checking his smart phone after being shot, looking up "good last words."

John Adams' last words. After Thomas Jefferson had died earlier than day, unbeknownst to Adams, Adams said, "Thomas Jefferson survives" as he faded from the mortal plane. Surely, if this were today, Adams would have looked up "Is Thomas Jefferson alive?" He not only would've conveyed the message that Jefferson, a political enemy he hadn't spoken to in years, was on his mind; he also would've gotten the answer.

So yes, last Googles will carry the impact that last words used to. In some cases, you'll be lucky enough to plan your last Google in advance. You'd be able to use the opportunity to make some profound statement about life or just crack wise. People would be forever grateful if, on your deathbed, you Googled "how to thank the ppl I love." Or you could mess with your loved ones by Googling on your last day, "What to do once you figure out the meaning of life." You can even help your family heal by Googling "iPhone 6" or "hilarious nut shot videos" or something so when they check your browser history, they have something to distract them from their grief.

Of course, it's not likely that you'd be able to plan what the last thing you look up is. Your last search could create an air of mystery (Charles Foster Kane types on an iPad. His hand falls limp, the iPad falls, the screen shatters. Through the spider-webbed glass we read in the search bar, "Rosebud"), or it could clear up ambiguity (Through the spider-webbed glass we read, "old sled 'Rosebud' inscription ebay"). But whatever the case, your last search will shed light on what you were like in life. I'll give you an example: As of right now, my last Google search was "How tall is Jamie Moyer?" I think this speaks volumes about me-- First, my interest in baseball, my love of Jamie Moyer in particular, my desire to learn unimportant details about people I'll never meet, and my desire to rank myself against others (in this case, in terms of height). And while I didn't believe the result of this search (6 feet my ass), I wouldn't be entirely upset if I died right now and that was my last search. People will hear about it and think, solemnly shaking their heads, "That Billy--he really wondered how tall Jamie Moyer was. That's what I'll always remember about him."

Just as with last words, there is a chance that your final search, that all-important word or phrase that will be printed in your obituary and etched on your tombstone, might be embarrassing. Just as Maude Flanders' last words regarding footlong hotdogs ("I know, they make you uncomfortable") were tragic in their inanity, so too will most people's last Googles be. Think of all the people who will die with the search bar of their internet browser still housing their last look-up-- "wart removal," "directions Taco Bell Boston," "Seinfeld reruns," "cat picking up suitcases gif," "how to punch a new hole in a belt," "toenail discoloration," and the like (not to mention all the porn searches). While you might think this means we shouldn't be judging people by their searches, I say this means just the opposite. We all say stupid things in our lives, yet we value last words when they are in some way noteworthy. So we should hold the same esteem to those who were thoughtful, prescient, lucky enough to have a great last search.

After all, what is life and death but our own cosmic clicking of "I'm feeling lucky" after typing in "What's the meaning of all this?" Maybe we'll all find out from that great search engine in the sky.

Or we'll just land on some Yahoo! Answers page with a bunch of morons.

Billy's Opinion: Trying to Understand the Sequester: A Live Blog

If you're like me, you have heard about a sequester in some way related to the federal government. And you have no idea what it means. Since it's my job to cover the day's news and junk, I figured it's about time I learn what is going on, using only the internet at my fingertips. To Wikipedia!

7:30am-- We hit our first road block. Search Wikipedia for "sequester" and you get this disambiguation page.

7:31-- Second road block. I want to look up SeaQuest real quick to see if it was a real show or if I'm imaging it.

It was real. Guess what it was about?

C-Quest, though, is not. It's a movie I just came up in which two teen slackers have to work hard in the last two weeks of high school in order to graduate. Spoiler alert: They fail, but in the process learn a much more valuable lesson dot dot dot about themselves.

7:35-- Back on track. I'm going to click a link to something called "Budget sequestration," because that seems relevant. This page is really boring.

7:45-- I've been staring at this page for ten minutes and I still haven't read the first sentence. Better scroll down to see if there are charts.

Oh God, no charts! I'm leaving this page. Thankfully, they link to a page about the current debate.

Just glancing over these paragraphs, it looks like about 60% of the text is compromised of numbers. This is going to be hard to follow.

7:50-- My eyes glazed over. That is, until I saw a link to a page about B61 Nuclear Bombs! I wonder how awesome they are.

Their blast yield is 0.3-340 kilotons. What's that mean? Better search "blast yield."

8:00-- Here's a sweet picture.

Okay back to the sequester. This Wikipedia page isn't getting me anywhere. That may not be the fault of its writers. I just haven't read a word of it since I landed here. So I'm going to take to Google.

A search of "explain the sequester" brings up a bunch of results that look promising. I'll try Gawker's first because it is on top.

Ugh it's some bullshit thing trying to use popular culture to make me interested. But Ryan Gosling makes me feel so inadequate! Also, orange block text annoys me. Let's go back to the Google search.

8:10-- I've decided on looking at this Washington Post blog explaining it. But I can't get past the picture of Obama, gesturing up to where he's had it from the likes of Boehner or Congress or whoever the hell is responsible for whatever he disagrees with.

Oh damn it, this article is from last September. On the internet, that's like forever ago. For God's sake, Gangnam Style wasn't even halfway to a billion views yet!

8:20-- This now officially the longest I've ever spent searching the internet for information. By 30 minutes, I would either have it or give up, because if it takes 30 minutes to find an easy-to-understand description of certain facts, then those facts do not exist. But I'm going to stick with it. I'm taking this search to Twitter for #sequester.

8:25-- OH MY GOD IT'S ALL RACIAL SLURS.

8:30-- A lot of sarcastic jokes by people who also probably don't understand the sequester. I'll add my own: "Sequester? I hardly know her!"

8:35-- #Sequester must mean something I don't understand, because someone used it to refer to cocaine. To UrbanDictionary.com!

Jesus, that's way dirtier than I was expecting. Could this be what Congress is so worried about?

Most of these tweets are spam. No useful information. To Facebook!

8:45-- So much caps lock.

It looks like there's no easy way out of this. I'm going to have to actually read something. Let's go back to that Wikipedia page. Be back when I read it.

9:05-- Okay, so I accidentally read the entire page about SeaQuest. Now, to that page about the sequester.

Now I want to look at the editing history.

Surprisingly not very active.  Interestingly, someone noted that the San Francisco Giants won the 2010 World Series, because of some minute detail of the TV show that only someone who would edit the Wikipedia page of a fifteen year-old sci-fi TV show would pay attention to. Also interestingly, they spell "real life" with a hypen: "real-life." Someone later removed that entire paragraph on April 24, 2012.

On December 12, 2011, someone changed "circa" to "c."

There is actually some controversy over whether Roy Scheider said the show was a cross between 21 Jump Street and Star "Trek" or "Dreck." Apparently he said "Dreck," but obviously meant "Trek," so there's debate over which word should appear on the page. I'll add my two cents by saying nobody gives a shit.

9:45-- Well that took a lot longer than expected. Back to the sequester page. I'll read it this time.

10:00-- Oh. That's actually pretty straight forward. Well, I hope it doesn't happen.

Well, there you have it. Now I know what the sequester is. Thanks for following along.

Is It Funny?: The Onion's Tweet

As those of you who use the internet or watch television know, last night was the Oscars, hosted by that guy who does the voices for a baby, dog, and teddy bear. I don't know what happened, exactly, and it doesn't really matter. What matters is that The Onion, famous fake news website, tweeted about one of the nominees during the night and caused a bit of a controversy. Today, I'm going to determine whether or not the joke was funny.

The tweet, screen-grabbed here by under a highly editorialized headline ("vile" tweet-- A lot of The Onion is vile. That's not really an insult) and a relevant red carpet photo, reads: "Everyone else seems afraid to say it, but that Quvenzhane Wallis is kind of a cunt, right? #Oscars2013." The Onion's apology is here.

Remember, as you read further, that the point of The Serum's Is It Funny? column isn't to determine whether it's appropriate, for example, to make fun of a young child on Oscar night. It isn't to discuss when "cunt" is OK to be used and when it isn't. It isn't even to decide it whether it's ever okay to call a nine year-old a "cunt". We are here exclusively to decide if the joke is funny.

To address this, though, we first need to dismiss those who think the joke is an attack targeted specifically at Wallis. The Onion, as a satiric website, was not calling her a "cunt". Most people can understand this; some, though, need a reminder that what they were going for was irony-- that Wallis is obviously not deserving of being called a "cunt". Therein lies the joke. So-- is it funny?

If the average person had tweeted this line, it would certainly not be funny. It would lack any context to allow the tweet's audience to know that A) it was intended to be a joke and B) what character it's supposed to be from. But The Onion isn't the average person. We at least know that whatever they tweet is supposed to be a joke and that they are coming from a certain character. The character, in this case, is what the tweet is satirizing. In other words, we're supposed to laugh at whoever would say such a thing.

In this case, the fictional character behind the tweet is the kind of vapid fool who live tweets the Oscars and makes mean-spirited jokes about the celebrities. If this is uncomfortable for you, it's because The Onion was attempting to skewer just about everyone who uses social media/everyone. (Read The Serum's sexist, drunken live blog of the Oscars from two years ago here.) The took a common phenomenon on Twitter-- calling celebrities names (particularly calling female celebrities hate-charged words) and pushed it to its absurd extreme.

But it's pretty shallow as a joke. That could be in part due to the fact that it was on Twitter (I can imagine a 250-word story about, for example, Joan Rivers ripping Wallis as being funny (funnier, at least)). It could also be due to the fact that it's just a joke we've heard before--a mean-spirited dig at someone who doesn't deserve it from a character who's overly judgmental/angry/hateful/misogynistic/etc/etc. 

The joke's edginess (read: "cunt") serves only as a crutch for this weak joke. For those into a specific brand of humor, the shock of this tweet might elicit a quick laugh over the ironic association between two extremes: celebrated young actress and the inherent anger behind the word "cunt". But that's all. Unlike some other stories on (or tweets by) The Onion, this clearly wasn't one that was going to be passed around as great cultural satire.

We at The Serum declare The Onion's tweet Not That Funny, which I think falls at about a 2 on the scale of Not Funny (1) to Funny (10).

Incidentally, The Serum confidently declares The Onion's apology to be Not Funny.

What To Expect: Election Night Timeline

Election Day is one of the most tense and frustrating days of the quad-year.

6:00pm: Donald Trump offers $10 million to the charity of Obama's choice if he bows out of the race before the first polls close.

7:00: First polls close. TV newsfolks nationwide say "Ohio and Virginia" 15,000 times within the first ten seconds of the hour.

7:04: First precincts report. Fox News celebrates Mitt Romney's commanding 16-7 lead in Virginia.

7:10: Thousands of anxious liberals nationwide die of heart attacks when they see the projections from the states with polls closing at 7pm, Romney 64 electoral votes, Obama 3.

7:30: For those who don't really like politics, Animal Planet begins airing its Puppy Election Returns Coverage.

7:47: Virginia stubbornly refuses to report any precincts, hoping to be the last state to be called and thus decide the winner.

8:00: A bunch of states close their polls, Wolf Blitzer stumbles over all of their names for three straight minutes before Anderson Cooper steps in front of him and holds up a hologram map.

8:05: Though they've adjusted their graphics and maps accurately, Fox News anchors only announce their projections of Romney states.

8:06: Fox anchor: "It'll be interesting to see what happens in Pennsylvania, where the Romney campaign made a big push to close the gap there and-- it looks like we're read to call Pennsylvania for President Obama."

8:10: With all closed states now projected except for Ohio, Florida, and New Hampshire, Romney leads 113-99.

8:25: CNN has holograms of Rex Ryan and Justin Timberlake on to discuss of the election.

8:30: With no projections to make, most networks are just airing unedited footage of Obama and Romney voting in a split screen, analyzing who voted faster and whose smile was wider.

8:50: MSNBC anchors, anticipating the closing of New York polls, begin talking about Hurricane Sandy and global warming. They discuss global warming for twenty-five minutes without making reference of the election whatsoever.

9:00: Bunch more polls close. In all projected states, Romney leads 190-159.

9:11: New Hampshire is called for Obama. Pundits spin.

9:14: In an unexpected turn, Green Party candidate Jill Stein surges to second place in Vermont, with 17 votes state-wide.

9:17: Republican analysts suggest that the long wait for Ohio, Florida, and Virginia projections reflects a positive trend for Romney.

9:30: Trends appear to support Obama taking Ohio, but nobody calls it yet. A hot mic catches a Fox News anchor drop the n-word in reference to his success in Ohio. It turns out to be Juan Williams, though, so it's okay.

9:37: Wisconsin falls to Obama, giving him 10 more electoral votes. Morale at Fox News plummets. Rachel Maddow pops champagne.

9:56: Fox gets a small boost as they project Iowa for Romney.

10:00: A few more states close and are projected. Nevada, so-called battleground state, is called for Obama by all major outlets within five minutes.

The 10 o'clock hour is spent by people around the country staring at tickers, and nothing ever changing. Even the pundits on TV are just staring at their smart phones, waiting for something to happen. It is gripping.

11:00: West coast states close. Obama now just needs Ohio, Virginia, or Florida to win.

11:23: Colorado is called for Obama. This means nothing, as he sits at 266 now.

11:45: Florida projected to go to Romney. Joe Biden is seen vomiting backstage in Chicago.

12:15am: Tired, sick of waiting, and expecting the counting to go long into the morning, you go to bed.

12:16: Right after you turn the TV off, but before you even put your head on the pillow, the AP calls Ohio for Obama, and he is the winner.

1:00: Fox News anchors project that Mitt Romney will win Alaska's 3 electoral college votes, pushing his total to 241.

1:43: Hologram Justin Timberlake reads the announcement that Obama is projected to carry Virginia. Final tally Obama: 297, Romney 241.

Election 2012: If They Lose

It's stupid Presidential election season. Candidates debate, memes are captioned, snark is tweeted. The media and voters are constantly talking about what each candidate will do if elected-- how they'll govern, be president, set policies, etc. And frankly, I think that's a valid thing to consider when deciding who to vote for. But there is much more to the story.

Yes, one person will win and be sworn in a President in January 2013 (I take issue with the phrase "become the next President," because if Obama wins, he's not the next President, he just remains President). But remember, that means there will also be a loser (well, there will be losers, including Jill Stein and Gary Johnson, but they already fit in that category). What impact will losing this election have on each of their lives? We decided to speculate.

If Mitt Romney loses, his life is essentially over. He has nowhere else to go from here. His life trajectory has taken him to the point where he has to become President or else it was all pointless. Four years ago, his loss in the nomination process to John McCain was not so bad, because he still had the chance to try again. But now, if he were to become a two-time non-President, that's the kiss of death. A third run would put him in Dennis Kucinich, Ralph Nader territory. It would be undignified, and Mitt Romney knows a thing or two about remaining dignified.

Sure, he'll have his millions and millions and millions of dollars, his twenty-five children, three wives, and that head of hair, but what could possibly come next for him? Certainly, he couldn't run for another office. And unlike some recent losers, like Sarah Palin and Mike Huckabee, he couldn't get a television show, and others like Al Gore, he couldn't become the beloved leader of a cause. This is because he lacks personability. Romney is so unlikable, the only thing he could possibly do in life is win elective office. But if he loses, he wouldn't be able to run for elective office simply because he's a man without a state. Massachusetts doesn't want him back and he was never really from Michigan. His only success could come in Utah, but I think there might be residency requirement beyond just being Mormon to winning a Senate seat there. 

So, if Americans fail to elect Mitt Romney, he'll be forced to sadly go back into the private sector which he hates so much and retaliate by shipping all their jobs to China.

But that's nothing compared to the misery of Barack Obama's life. Look at Jimmy Carter's post-Presidential career. Dude was a joke. Now imagine if he had racial slurs thrown at him everywhere he went. That's what Obama faces if he loses.

Sure, he'll be the same charismatic man, and maybe he'll even be a strong advocate for certain causes, like Hope and kill lists and shit like that. But deep down, everyone will remember him as the guy who got the most votes in a single election and disappointed the nation so badly he couldn't even win a second term. Would this be his fault? Maybe, maybe not. But people will see him and pity him even more than they pity other past Presidents. All mentions of George W. Bush, 2006-2008's most hated man in America, since he left office have been lined with a sadness over how badly he fucked up. Even Bill Clinton, who is being paraded around by his wife's boss, gives speeches that impress everyone only because they had subconsciously set the bar so low, assuming the former President had been on a fast-food and saxophone binge since 2001. Also he gets pity laughs.

So Obama would live out the rest of his long life in sadness and utter disappointment, wondering not just what he could have done to earn re-election, but what he could have done to actually leave a mark, since most of his major accomplishments either A) will be wiped out within days of Romney taking office or B) don't exist.

In short, while voters select one candidate to become their newest President, they are also condemning the other to a life of misery, their name forever synonymous with this loss.

And don't forget about the running mates. Paul Ryan losing could irreparably damage his political career and send him into a John Edwards-like spiral of sex, lying, and illegal money stuff. 

But don't worry about Joe Biden. Even if he loses, I think he's gonna be all right.

Billy's Opinion: Does Anyone Actually Want to be President?

Update: Twelve hours after posting this, I received the item described at the end of this entry in the mail.

As Romney gathered up the delegates necessary to clinch the Republican nomination, I go to thinking about how much he cares about me. More on that later. But I also began thinking about how absurd it is that people actually want to become President of the United States, and that they work really hard and spend a lot of money to do so. Just campaigning ruins people's lives, by sending people so far into debt that they are forced to take a job at Fox (like Mike Huckabee), by wrecking homes after tantalizing the candidate with temptress campaign staffer (like John Edwards), or by nationally announcing that your only pick-up line is "How bad do you want the job?" (Herman Cain). And once you become a candidate for office, you are immediately fair game to be called a "bum" or "rascal" by those rugged city folks who are in the first scenes of Law & Order episodes shooting the breeze before stumbling on a dead body. ("That Gingrich is a rascal." "Hold on." "What, you like the guy?" "No, look." Pan to dead body. "Call the cops.") And what's the point if you win? You get to have your face at the end of the line above elementary school chalkboards. It seems like a lot of stress for very little reward.

Santorum Out

Women, homosexuals, and blah people: rejoice! The modern-day George Wallace, Rick Santorum, will not be the next President. The second-worst nightmare of this campaign season has ended (second only to Donald Trump). A weight has been lifted, the sky has opened up. We are all winners today, and the possibilities seem endless.

Without Santorum, we'll finally learn where Mitt Romney really stands on the issues. Is he a New England socialist or a Tea Party anti-abortionist? We are closer than ever to discovering when Romney was pandering and to whom. We could be just days away from the stunning revelation that he doesn't even hate Muslims.

Oh My God! It's Baseball Season 2012

Spring time can only mean one thing in my house: time to forget the heartbreaking disappointments of the Phillies and Red Sox from last fall and optimistically look ahead to the next year. Here are some key story lines to follow this season.

1. Ryan Braun and the validation of cheating. With reigning MVP Ryan Braun's positive test and 50-game suspension over-turned on a technicality, cheating has been reinforced by the MLB's arbitrators as a viable way of competing in the league. For this reason, I'm expecting a critical game-within-a-game to be played by scientists and drug dealers. Expect fantasy leagues for Black Market PED peddlers to pop up by mid-season.

2. Albert Pujols on the Angels. Having spent his entire career on the Cardinals, Albert Pujols made an important decision to continue wearing red uniforms when he signed with the Angels this off-season. I expect a significant drop in productivity from Pujols for two reasons: First of all, moving from St. Louis to Los Angeles is a big culture shock, and he'll likely get pulled into the Hollywood underbelly and spit out like so many wannabe actresses before him, which could hurt his confidence at the plate. Second, pitchers in the AL actually pitch, so that'll be a tough adjustment.

3. What team will be the laughing stock? Obviously, the Cubs, Astros, Mariners, and Mets have be included in this race. I'm going to add the Marlins to this list, not because I think they are a bad team, but because I think they are very capable of mediocrity despite their off-season hype. Also, their new home run machine, awful uniforms, and Jose Reyes make them prime candidates for laughing stock.

4. Who will be the surprise team? Everyone is looking at the Toronto Blue Jays to surprise everyone this year, and I think that's a good bet. They'll shock everyone by coming that close to 3rd place in the AL East. If I had to pick, my surprise playoff team would be the Arizona Diamondbacks, a surprise because nobody is talking about them-- I think most people forgot they were a team this year.

5. Jamie Moyer, 49 year-old number 2 starter for the Colorado Rockies. He's just out there to embarrass people at this point. Who is the best player he will strike out this year? How many starting pitchers will he have more wins than? If Moyer has to cover first on a ground ball and gets the runner out, will the runner then retire in shame? It'll be fun to see how slow Moyer can throw in the thin mountain air in Denver. Will we see the first single-digit mph pitch?

6. Mid-season deals. Roy Oswalt, formerly of the greatest pitching staff ever assembled for one non-World Series-winning year, is a free agent, and will likely sign with a team in June-ish. Who will it be? I suspect teams will have to commit to him being their #1 or #2 starter, which might mean breaking the legs of their other pitchers to prove they are serious. I think he'll end up on the Red Sox or the Braves.

7. Blown calls by umps. How many calls can the umpires totally wreck this year? I expect one per game. I think the MLB will expand replay, and soon, all games will be played exclusively using replay.

8. Will Joe Buck once again ruin the game I love so much by being employed by Fox?

Here are my predictions for the division shake-downs.

Note: I had to rewrite these when I remembered there are two wild card teams now.

AL East

For most of the 21st century, the AL East has been all about the Yankees and Red Sox, with the Rays sneaking into the conversation in the past 5 years. When injuries decimate the Yankees, and the Red Sox continue their September slide through June, I expect the Blue Jays and Rays to be at the top of the division for most of the summer. Then the Red Sox will sweep the Blue Jays in early September to kick off a 24-game winning streak to win the division. The Rays, meanwhile, will let someone else have the late-season fun by forfeiting their last six games to give the Yankees and the Angels the wild card spots by one game.

AL Central

The Tigers had a great run last year, and I wonder if they will fail in their attempt to underachieve as they have since 2007. After all, this division includes Alex Rios/Adam Dunn, the man formerly known as Fausto Carmona, post-reconstruction surgery Joe Mauer, and whoever is on the Royals. The Tigers will win 75% of in-division games.

AL West

Josh Hamilton's off-season relapse could not have come at a better time. The first time they got to the World Series, it was after the revelation that Ron Washington had been doing cocaine. I expect Hamilton's relapse and re-recovery to propel the Rangers over their off-season loss of C.J. Wilson to a division win. The new-look Angels, meanwhile, will have to change their strategy mid-season when it's clear that coming onto the field, pointing at Albert Pujols while looking in the opposing dugout, nodding, and saying, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, look who we got, yea" doesn't actually work. They will get the wild card.

NL East

This will be one of the most competitive divisions for second place, behind the Phillies. There are some really solid, just short of good, teams in this division, and one or two of them might even get the wild card. The Marlins have a lot of expectations on them, but I can't take them seriously (see #3 above). I'm gonna go with the Nationals in 2nd and the Marlins in 3rd, both getting the wild card.

NL Central

This is that one division that is totally up for grabs, because none of the teams are that good. I think it'll come down to a 6-way tie-breaker, as every team in the division will end the season at 81-81. And that's how the Pirates get into the playoffs this year.

NL West

The Dodgers had the Cy Young winner and the top non-cheating finisher in the MVP race, and I think that's their entire roster. The Giants have a bunch of good pitchers and, I think, the ghost of Barry Bonds batting clean-up. The Rockies have a 49 year-old. The Diamondbacks, as mentioned earlier, still exist. And the Padres. This is a tough race, because none of the teams seem to deserve to be in the playoffs. I'll go with the Dodgers, though, because of reasons.

World Series: 

Tigers over Phillies

AL MVP:

Prince Fielder and Albert Pujols will tie. For second. Behind Adrian Gonzalez.

AL Cy Young:

Justin Verlander

AL Manager of the Year:

Bobby Valentine, whose re-introduction of beer in the clubhouse led to a heroic charge into the playoffs by the Red Sox.

NL MVP:

Justin Upton. What? Yeah.

NL Cy Young:

Tie between Stephen Strasburg and Jamie Moyer.

NL Manager of the Year:

Clint Hurdle, that poor son of a bitch managing the Pirates.

The Manny Ramirez Award for Testing Positive for PEDs Mid-Season:

Manny Ramirez

Billy's Opinion: Another List of High Concept Puns

Hipster internet users love high concept random shit. (I did something similar some time ago here.) So here's some:


Best Picture Nominees If Dogs Were The Stars Of Every Movie
The Arfist
The Dogfather
The Dogfather Bark II
The English Bulldog Patient
There Will Be Bloodhounds
Amadeus's Dog

U.S. Presidents If They Were Named After Units of Time
Rutherford B. Dayes
Dwight D. Eisenhour
John F. Seconnedy
Franklin Yearce

Author Names If Every Book Is Boring
Vladimir Nod-ba-off
Snore Vidal
Milan Slumbera
George Borewell
Ayn Bland
Thomas 40winkson
Fyodor Doze-snoozefest-ky

Song Titles If Shoes Were a Metaphor For Love
It Had to Be Shoes
Tangled Up in Shoe
I Want Shoes Back

Football Teams Named For Horror Movie Terms
Washington Deadskins
Buffalo Kills
Chicago Scares
Green Bay Hackers
Houston Texans Chainsaw Massacre
Baltimore Wes Cravens

Famous Cat Names If All Words With the Letter "F" Never Existed
Garmeadow
Heathedge

Cheesy High School Social Studies Teachers' Education Rap Songs About History
Abraham Linkin' The Union Back 2gether
Josef Stallin' Prog to the ress in U to the S to the S to the R
Richard Nixin' Voter Trust in the X-eh-Q-tive Branch

Title for an essay on how to plagiarize U2 lyrics
Every Poet Is a Thief: Sometimes You Can't Make It On Your Own