Thoughts About the Recession

I read a thing on MSN.com about how you'd be able to tell that the recession is over. It's a bunch of bull. (If you wanna see it, click here. But I'm telling you it's bogus.) It's all negative about our current economy. I'm here to give you a few things to think about anytime you get down about your new poverty.

Nobody's Asking for Faith, Just Money-- I'm no expert, hell, I'm barely even a novice. But I do know that nobody is asking for people to put their faith back into the stocks of the Great Banks of the U.S., just for people to put their money back in. Once enough of you people, buy these dying stocks, the value will go up, and confidence in these companies will follow. It doesn't matter how successful investments are, just how successful people think they are. Just ask Bernie Madoff.

Don't Hate AIG-- If you think AIG executives were wrong in accepting their large post-bail-out bonuses, then you are a no-good Commie Hippie Socialist. What better exercise in Capitalism than getting millions and billions of dollars by any means possible, including nearly going bankrupt and asking the government for a hand-out? The executives who pulled that off deserve to be rewarded handsomely. Then, we can all hope they put the money back into the market or American businesses. Also, who can blame them for accepting that much money... especially in today's economy?

Go All Out, At All Costs-- Remember, recovery from this recession isn't about you. So if more investing and purchasing by you means that you have to go into debt, then do it. The true sign of when this recession is over is not that American citizens will be better off, it is that other people will be getting rich. Only then can be breathe a sigh of relief and go back to our fiscally irresponsible ways.

Don't Be Upset, It's Good-- I saw a piece somewhere about how there are 25 people or groups of people that are responsible for the recession we're currently in. Again, a load of bull. This recession has been important, even vital, to the success of American capitalism. Desperate times call for desperate measures, and desperate measures were all that could save many American companies. Therefore, in order for those companies to survive, the market had to crash and 401Ks had to be lost to force government intervention. So maybe you're poor and have nothing left; at least America will be able to move forward without having to change a thing.

Presidential Candidates: Where Are They Now?

The longest, dumbest campaign in American history ended nearly five months ago. It's time to check in with all those former Presidential wanna-bes. So, Where Are They Now?

Republicans:

Rudy Giuliani-- Best known for: 9/11
Where is he now: New York, duh.
What is he doing: The same thing he's been doing since 2002: nothing.
Biggest regret: Kicking all the prostitutes out of Midtown.

Fred Thompson-- Best known for: Law & Order
Where is he now: Tennessee.
What is he doing: Waiting for a call from his agent.
Biggest regret: Letting that damn Sam Waterston get promoted to the only important job he's held.

Mitt Romney-- Best known for: Mormonism.
Where is he now: Massachusetts.
What is he doing: Lounging on bags of money, wondering what recession everyone's talking about.
Biggest regret: Losing.

John McCain-- Best known for: Losing election.
Where is he now: Washington, D.C.
What is he doing: Giving up on his bi-partisan ways, opposing Obama's every move.
Biggest regret: I'm not sure, but it's probably being captured by the Vietnamese.

Mike Huckabee-- Best known for: Colbert Report appearance.
Where is he now: Arkansas.
What is he doing: Keeping that weight off!
Biggest regret: Chuck Norris.

Tom Tancredo-- Best known for: Being the guy standing next to Giuliani in that one debate.
Where is he now: Colorado.
What is he doing: Vehemently opposing illegal immigrants.
Biggest regret: Not sucker-punching Mitt Romney more often.

Tommy Thompson-- Best known for: Most repetitive name since Hubert Humphrey.
Where is he now: Wisconsin.
What is he doing: Enjoying retired life.
Biggest regret: Staying in Wisconsin.

Sam Brownback-- Best known for: N/A
Where is he now: Kansas...?
What is he doing: Honestly, no clue.
Biggest regret: Surprisingly, it's that he was born a man.

Ron Paul-- Best known for: Vaguely encouraging domestic terrorism.
Where is he now: Washington, D.C.
What is he doing: Starting a motherfucking revolution! Also, serving as a U.S. Representative.
Biggest regret: Paying taxes.

Duncan Hunter-- Best known for: Losing to "Undecided" in Michigan primary.
Where is he now: California.
What is he doing: Wondering how the fuck he lost to "Undecided."
Biggest regret: Running for president.

Democrats:

Hillary Clinton-- Best known for: Her husband.
Where is she now: Washington, D.C.
What is she doing: Some secretary job.
Biggest regret: Going into politics instead of being a stay-at-home mom of five kids in Arkansas.

Joe Biden-- Best known for: Constant irritation, mild racism.
Where is he now: Washington, D.C.
What is he doing: Waiting.
Biggest regret: Has no regrets.

John Edwards-- Best known for: Dashing looks.
Where is he now: North Carolina.
What is he doing: Proving he's not gay by having another affair.
Biggest regret: Not clarifying how healthy his wife was while he was having the affair, because that would make it okay.

Barack Obama-- Best known for: Color, strange name.
Where is he now: Washington, D.C.
What is he doing: Being President.
Biggest regret: Not winning Indiana.

Bill Richardson-- Best known for: First Hispanic man to be named Richardson.
Where is he now: New Mexico.
What is he doing: Thinking about how governing the country would be way better than New Mexico.
Biggest regret: Gaining all that experience if it didn't matter to voters.

Chris Dodd-- Best known for: Villainous toad-like appearance.
Where is he now: Washington, D.C.
What is he doing: Being suspiciously rich.
Biggest regret: Every day of his life.

Dennis Kucinich-- Best known for: Being that little guy.
Where is he now: Washington, D.C.
What is he doing: Being ignored.
Biggest regret: Drinking all that coffee earlier in life.

Mike Gravel-- Best known for: Yelling.
Where is he now: Alaska.
What is he doing: Yelling.
Biggest regret: Honesty.

March Madness Tips

It's that time of year again: when everyone in the country pretends they know something about College Basketball. There are 300 million brackets to be filled out in the coming days. Some people pick with their hearts; some people picked based on favorite colleges, or team names, or mascots; some people pick based on skill level. Some so-called "experts" claim that they're wealth of knowledge about the sport and each team makes them more qualified to tell you how to make your picks. The Serum doesn't buy these well-paid sports writers' bull. These are the real ways to pick the perfect bracket.

1. Pick Upsets. Everybody knows that the higher seed won't win every game. (The Final Four games between number 1 seeds would never end!) But those aren't the upsets I'm talking about. I mean that North Carolina will upset the country by failing to show up for its Elite Eight game. Also, a great upset would be if a Cinderella team loses late in their run, disappointing everyone hoping for a good story.

2. Easy Abbreviations. Back in the day, people had to fill out brackets by hand. Scoring was nearly impossible. In that time, how easy it was to abbreviate the school name was crucial in determining who would advance. Now, with scribbling letters replaced by clicking, we've lost sight of how annoying it is to write "St." after "OH" This means that North Dakota State is fucked. Make sure you're considering all the possibilities of abbreviation: Louisville isn't Louis., it's Lou.

3. Nobody Can Win Every Game. Think about the odds of winning every game in a 64-team playoffs. Very low. That's why you have to pick based on who will lose. There's no way Ohio St. won't lose to Louisville, for example.

4. It's the Economy, Stupid. With the economy in the shape it's in now, don't be surprised to see a lot of "upsets" orchestrated by game-riggers. Those kids at Pittsburgh stand to make a lot of money if they let East Tennessee State win.

5. Fill Out the Right One. If you fill out your bracket and see that you have Florida winning it all, throw your bracket away. That's the NIT tournament. The key to winning an office pool is to fill out the correct paper-- the NCAA tournament. And remember to make sure it doesn't say Women's. Unless you want to bet on the Women's Tournament. In which case, always pick nappy-headed hoes.

Man Who Shot Other Man In Face Warns of Future Attacks on U.S.

Man Who Shot Other Man In Face Warns of Future Attacks on U.S.

Seriously. Check it out here.

Fact vs. Ideology

President Barack Obama (!), while signing the bill reversing the Bush stem-cell ban, said that he will make decisions based on "facts, not ideology." Here at The Serum, we decided to compare decisions in American history made based on facts vs. decisions made based on ideology.

Ideology: "All men are created equally." Perhaps the most important phrase in American history, Thomas Jefferson coined this adage in an attempt to curb Evolution-Creationism debates. Unfortunately, Americans tend to focus more on the last word of the sentence, thereby reducing this profound defense of God into an Equality Clause.

Facts: Louisiana Purchase. At the time, even Thomas Jefferson himself wondered if his purchase of the vast middle section of the continent was legal under the Constitution. However, the Red Virginian put aside his intense love of the Constitution and listened to reason; he knew that this was a deal that needed to be done. He foresaw that New Orleans would a vital city, a an indestructible hub of the American lifestyle and economy. Furthermore, the Purchase put the United States in the unique historical category of Countries to Have Given Napoleon 15 Million Dollars For Land France Didn't Rightfully Own.

Ideology: Manifest Destiny/Trail of Tears. It is impossible to consider what America would be like if our predecessors hadn't moved west to the Pacific and murdered most of the Native Americans on the way. The idea that the United States of America was destined to reach from coast to coast was likely grounded in the 1795 inclusion of the line "From sea to shining sea" in "America the Beautiful." The idea that Native Americans should be removed from their own land was likely grounded in the early American concept that the country should have few casinos.

Facts: End of Slavery. Rendered obsolete by the Industrial Revolution, the institution of slavery was abolished in one of America's most cool-headed, logical 4-year debates.

Facts: Warren Commission. Could dozens of witnesses be wrong? Of course, the Warren Commission told us several years after Kennedy's last ride. Nowadays, we may have lost sight of how different our nation of 300 million is from the United States of 1963, with a much lower population. The coincidences surrounding the assassination and Lee Harvey Oswald were really just a product of everybody knowing everybody in the country back then.

Ideology: War on Drugs. A reversal of the creating-drugs policy of the '50s and early '60s, the War on Drugs is one of America's most important battles against its own citizens. Perhaps the fact that this fight is mostly fought on the homefront is the reason why it has been impossible to pull the troops out of this unwinnable war.

Facts: Iraq War. Osama and Iraqis were buddies. Iraq was making weapons of mass destruction. Iraqis were tired of being slaughtered. And worst of all, I heard Saddam Hussein talkin' 'bout your momma!

Ideology: Obama's Election. Like every election, voters made their decision in the 2008 election based on happy ideas of change, hope, and pissing off their parents.

Unmisleading Advertising

It's tough to believe things as they are advertised. There's usually some kind of hang-up, fine print, or catch. Unlimited minutes: only nights and weekends. Fish fillet: liberal definition of "fish." Hot sauce: Mild-at-best sauce.
Since we're surrounded by this kind of misleading advertising, we've grown accustomed to it. We anticipate these catches and factor them in when we consider our purchasing decisions. For this reason, the most dangerous kind of advertising around is the unmisleading advertising-- the truth.
Today, I was at a local eatery, deciding what kind of hot dog to get. Keeping in mind the fact that everything was likely hyperbolic, I ultimately chose the "Freaking Hot Hot Dog." I'm a fan of spicy foods, so I figured that this would be a relatively spicy meal. I was unpleasantly surprised when the hot dog came, I took a bite, and found that was THE FUCKING HOTTEST THING I'VE EVER EATEN IN MY LIFE. I was appalled by true description on the menu. How was I supposed to know that it was actually that hot?
The moral of this story is that you need to be careful with all those ads out there-- you never know when they mean what they say.

*I considered reporting this establishment to the Better Business Bureau, but I decided not to because I can't convince myself that the BBB actually exists.

More the Same

It's March 4, 2009 by the old calendar. But let's be serious-- it's Day 52, Year 1 of the Barack H. Obama calendar. President Obama was elected by a large wave of people desiring what his slogan promised: "Change you can believe in;" change in the way the White House does things, the way the country's citizens are treated by the powerful forces of corporations and government, and various other changes expected in this new term. But when I think about the past 52 days, the days that I fully anticipated would be the greatest days of my entire, Bush-Clinton-Bush life, I can't help but wonder when I'm going to start feeling that change. Let's break down what hasn't changed:

Sores in my mouth still come and go periodically
Bus always crowded at 9 o'clock
Microwave clock still twelve minutes slow; living room clock still five minutes fast
Heater in bedroom still out of order
Apartment building door still slams

Worst of all: I'm still not a millionaire. That's not change-- that's more the same!