Billy's Opinion: My 21-Point Jobs Plan

Everything these days is about jobs. All political debate recently has been focused around how the government can do more to create jobs, or, if coming from a Republican, how the government can do more doing less to help the private sector create jobs. (Although some debate this week has been more about HPV vaccines about retarded lies about retardation.) Obama put out his jobs plan, which everyone had an opinion on even though I haven't met anyone who actually read it, and Mitt Romney countered with his own 59-point plan. I have read zero of them, because I bet they are boring.

So here is The Billy Palumbo 21-Point Plan which is guaranteed to help everyone in America get a job, or two if they want, if it is followed precisely.


1. Help businesses re-invest in themselves by making tax write-offs into a tax write-off.

2. Create massive, unattainable incentives for private sector companies. For example, promise $900 billion to the first company to invent asphalt that has lane lines on them when they are produced. Companies will then spend lots of money hiring people to figure it out in the hopes of the huge prize, but the government will never have to pay out because it isn't possible. This should work for several years before the massively bankrupt companies default and crush the credit system.

3. Help the auto industry hire more workers by converting car companies to social media websites.

4. More federal assistance to prospective employees, like nation-wide compulsory resume workshops.

5. Privatize and expand the Postal Service. By this, I mean charge $25 for all deliveries, and just give the money and packages to random citizens to deliver.

6. Encourage media outlets to create large fact-checking divisions to focus solely on the utterances of Michele Bachmann.

7. A new, country-wide reality show called "The Next Great Under-employed Worker" would not only employ many crew members, but would also serve to pacify the masses who are consumed by it each week.

8. In-source American company jobs from India back to the U.S., where the workforce will do whatever they are told, and will be grateful to do so.

9. Expand the NBA by adding 700,000 teams. This will give the 9 million people out of work now not only a job, but also a good amount of playing time.

10. Give a tax credit to individuals who hire a Text Typer, a person with small fingers employed by the overweight to send text messages and emails on cell phones.

11. Mandate "green" energy, thereby providing a much-needed boost to the green paint industry who will need to supply paint to cover all engines and electrical appliances.

12. Promise more federal funding to cities and towns that replace traffic lights with round-the-clock police details directing traffic.

13. Create construction jobs by forcing companies bidding to develop properties to actually build their buildings first instead of just submitting blueprints, models, and 3D renderings.

14. Institute unnecessary but popular federal projects like tripling the size of all speed limit signs or putting a mural on the Hoover Dam.

15. Help the food service industry by giving everyone in America a second stomach.

16. Hire more teachers so every classroom can have a good cop/bad cop dynamic, which studies have proven helps improve test results.

17. Invade a few more countries; institute draft.

18. Have a President and members of Congress who are perpetually unpopular so there are constantly opposing candidates campaigning and hiring staffs.

19. I don't how exactly, but someone should figure out a way to monetize the "Hey, you have something on your shirt, haha hit your nose" thing. It works every time.

20. Mandate that all towns in the country must have at least 4 pizza places per square mile.

21. Just keeping doing the census.