Sunday, March 11, 2012

1,000 Questions About the 2012 Campaign: Part 3

Here are Part 1 and Part 2.

Why does Rick Santorum hate gay people?
Do any of the Republican candidates have the balls to invade Iran BEFORE being elected?
Does Callista Gingrich make Newt call her a slut as some weird, woman-hating conservative foreplay?
Will the soul-crushing fear that one of those Republican lunatics could become president cause the Obama campaign to over-think every move and ultimately cost them the election?
Who does Mitt Romney have in the NCAA basketball tournament, and has he ever met a person who has ever played basketball?
When Gingrich refers to people as "my good friend," how good of friends are they really?
Does Obama ever consider switching back to the gold standard just so Ron Paul doesn't have a domestic platform anymore?
Does Joe Biden ever catch himself thinking he can win the presidency in 2016?
How much could Romney get in speaking fees as a sitting President?
Can Ron Paul ever attract voters other than avid internet users with a Wikipedia understanding of economic policies?
How much will a TV network pay Sarah Palin to follow her around during the Republican National Convention if no candidate has enough delegates to clinch nomination?
Does Tim Pawlenty regret dropping out so early, or is he so insane like his still-running counterparts that he doesn't think it was a foolish move?
Does Newt Gingrich totally dominate all conversations at family gatherings?
Will Ron Paul promise to expose the truth behind 9/11 if elected?
Who sold their soul to the devil to make Rick Santorum exist?
Has Mitt Romney ever seen a dollar menu, and would he know how much things cost on it?
Has Herman Cain come up with a pizza that encapsulates his time on the campaign trail yet?
Is Joe Biden allowed to cross the street alone?
How many hours a day does Bobby Jindal spend staring at his phone waiting for someone to ask him to be their running mate?
Is Ron Paul a Beatles person or an Elvis person?
Will any candidates pledge to abstain from eating Kerry-Heinz ketchup?
Has Rick Santorum ever seen a girl before?
Will the weak Republican field give Obama the chance to half-ass all of his campaign promises so he doesn't actually have to do anything in his second term?
Will the Republicans show how out of touch they are by inviting Jeb Bush to give their conventions keynote address?
Since Dennis Kucinich isn't going to be a Congressman for much longer, will be stage a third-party candidacy for the Presidency, if only to keep his lovable losing streak alive?
If he is chosen as Romney's VP, will Chris Christie compare the Obama Presidency to a sandwich, and if so, what sandwich would it be?
Can Romney build on his huge win in the Guam primary?
Will the historic nature of Obama's quest to become the first re-elected black President lead to huge voter turn-out?
If Iran nukes New York City and Los Angeles, how soon will a Republican celebrate the destruction of Obama's base?
Will Rick Santorum symbolically return his three college degrees and forget all of his education to prove how not elitist he is?
How much was Mitt Romney's most expensive belt?
Least expensive?
If Michele Bachmann were younger and hotter, would she have had this wrapped up yet?
Can Obama get an amnesty bill through Congress in time to get all currently illegal immigrants registered to vote in November so as to sweep Obama back into office?
Has CNN developed hologram ice cream, and is it any good?
How often does Mitt Romney get asked if he has Grey Poupon?
Is Rick Perry just chilling back at "Niggerhead"?
What washed-up quasi-celebrity will Mitt Romney get to endorse him next?
Can Rick Santorum court the youth vote by talking about how lame moms are?
Will Ron Paul only hire and appoint midgets to executive branch posts to fit his promise of smaller government?
If re-elected, will Barack Obama finally be comfortable and, you know, turn all black and stuff?
If a time-traveler from the future told us that if Sarah Palin isn't elected President in 2012, then no woman will ever be elected President of the US, will voters bite the bullet and vote for her, or will they choose to have all male Presidents for the rest of the nation's time on Earth?
On a related note, how coveted is the time-traveler from the future endorsement?
Will Ron Paul ever realize that he doesn't get votes because voters don't respond to his literature and speeches, as they are reminders of the worst lectures in sophomore history class?
Why haven't the other Republicans talked more shit about Romney's Mexican heritage, included Mexican-born father?
Why haven't snarky interent commenters taken up the nicknames R-money, Ging-RICH, Rick Sanitarium, and Ron Pall?
If Romney gets nominated, will the Tea Party force Obama back into office by supporting a third-party candidate?
What made Obama so cruel in his belief that people should get health care and an education?
What made Obama so cruel in his belief that the government should be allowed to kill anyone at any time?
If every American does eenie-meenie-miney-moe to vote in November, what are the odds we will go to war with Iran in the next four years?
Is Newt Gingrich running for President just because he has some sexual fantasy about dropping a nuke on some country and then having sex with his wife minutes later?
If the Obama campaign paid a Palestinian suicide bomber to wear a Mitt '12 shirt before blowing himself up, how much would that hurt Romney's chances in the primaries and general election?
How would this year's race be different in Abraham Lincoln were never assassinated?
Does the Jerk Store ever call Rick Santorum because they ran out of him?
How many members of the media will look back on this election cycle in 2013 and consider suicide over the whole Donald Trump thing?
How many Americans regret Herman Cain leaving the race due to sexual harassment charges simply because they wanted to see him lose handily in the primaries?
When will TelePrompTer sue a Republican candidate for defamation of brand for criticizing Obama's use of their product?
Will Barack Obama finally master public speaking this year?
Will Howard Dean spend this year sadly reading his 8-year presidency plan from 2004?
How many people's heads would explode if Obama adopted the 9-9-9 plan?
Does Rick Santorum wear long sleeves all the time because that's typical politician wear or because he is hiding some awesome full-sleeve tattoos?
Has Ron Paul ever disagreed with a founding father, and if so, did he admit to treason?
Has Mitt Romney ever sat down and watched, and I mean really watched, a sunset?
Or does he just pay people to do that for him?
Does Obama get to wet willie Joe Biden whenever he wants?
Has Ron Paul ever driven faster than the speed limit, and if so, did he admit to treason?
Who would win a tickle fight among the remaining Republican candidates?
Will Rick Santorum pledge to overturn Roe v Wade if elected, and, if so, will he admit to failing his civics class?
If Mitt Romney could have three wishes, and he couldn't wish for more wishes, what would they be?
Will the Republican nomination race come down to a winner-take-all arm-wrestling round-robin tournament at the national convention?
How many votes one candidate will saying "nine eleven" more than their opponent get them?
If Ron Paul could have dinner with one fellow delusional presidential candidate, who would it be and why?
Will Rick Santorum ever get past his Oedipal complex?
Who did Obama like best in this year's Slam Dunk Contest?
Does Joe Biden practice singing the National Anthem in preparation for Inauguration Day due his failure to understand of what the oath of office is?
Will Democrats rally behind Obama this year, or do they have better things to do?
Which party will have the next headline-grabbing sex scandal, and how will it hurt their presidential candidate?
How much time does Rick Santorum spend Tebow-ing?
Will any Republican candidate have the courage to say that it's not the children but instead the middle-aged men who are our future?
Would any parent let Ron Paul kiss their baby?
Why is Romney's hair only gray in they one spot? Is it because his ears are so stressed out?
If Mitt Romney gave me a million dollars, would I vote for him?
What's Newt Gingrich's personal best in consecutive jump ropes?
How helpful is Obama to his daughters if they have a question about their math homework?
If you put a lion, a crocodile, an elephant, and Newt Gingrich in a room and locked the door, which would get eaten by which?
How many licks, on average, does it take Rick Santorum to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
Will a study of 2012's politic headlines lead to the conclusion that there was a surge in the numbers of times 'surge' was used in headlines?
After Americans become weary of being over-polled, how many exit poll responses in November will just be the middle finger, and will MSNBC mistakenly project that the middle finger will win the election?
Are double rainbows against Rick Santorum's religion?
Where does Ron Paul naturally leave his arms when he is standing still?
If Mitt Romney could only wear one color for the rest of his life, what would it be, and what would the foreign policy implications be of such a decision?
Will Barack Obama execute the perfect dramatic pause during a debate this year, a pause so dramatic that even Mitt Romney stares wide-eyed at him waiting for him to complete his thought?
Will Rick Santorum come out against unisex hair salons?
Does Biden tie his shoes with two loops, bunny around the tree, or does he have velcro?
How many countries that they have advocated for military action against can the candidates find on a map?
How will Mitt Romney downplay the important of bin Laden during a foreign policy debate with Obama?
Are these evil Republican candidates actually God's way of punishing this country for allowing gay people to live openly?
Will Romney try to get votes by implying that he might be able to pay off some of the country's debt out of his own pocket if he were elected, but then totally backtrack after winning and say everyone misunderstood him?
Can any of the candidates from any party execute even the simplest kickflip?
If he were elected and the economy went down again, would Newt Gingrich leave the U.S. for a younger, healthier country?
Will scientists soon link looking at Rick Santorum's face to cancer?
To appease dissatisfied liberals, will Obama promise to close Guantanamo again, only this time he really means it (wink wink)?
Can the Obama campaign keep Joe Biden under wraps for long enough to win the election?
How can the Republicans ruin their chances even more?

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