Santorum Out

Women, homosexuals, and blah people: rejoice! The modern-day George Wallace, Rick Santorum, will not be the next President. The second-worst nightmare of this campaign season has ended (second only to Donald Trump). A weight has been lifted, the sky has opened up. We are all winners today, and the possibilities seem endless.

Without Santorum, we'll finally learn where Mitt Romney really stands on the issues. Is he a New England socialist or a Tea Party anti-abortionist? We are closer than ever to discovering when Romney was pandering and to whom. We could be just days away from the stunning revelation that he doesn't even hate Muslims.


Without Santorum, Newt Gingrich benefits by being the only other person in the race who isn't Ron Paul. Gingrich will get some press now as That Guy Who Just Won't Drop Out. And Ron Paul stands to gain at least a moral victory by out-lasting that guy who thought he knew more about foreign policy than him.

By ending his race today, rather than waiting until closer to the convention, Santorum has also just about knocked himself out of the Vice Presidency race, as he has lost all leverage to make Romney owe him something. This means Romney will be free to pick the richest, most bland running mate that he wants. Of course, Santorum is still likely to demand some cabinet position in return for a party-unifying endorsement, and since there's no Ministry of Hetero Sex, he'll probably have to settle for Interior or some bullshit.

But it's not all bad for Santorum. When Romney loses in November, he will have the justification for a 2016 race already lined up (which he introduced after losses last week, comparing his campaign to Ronald Reagan's in 1976). More importantly, he'll probably have a show on Fox News by the end of the summer. So that means that, while we should happily mark this joyous occasion, we should not forget to look ahead to the hell that is to come.

I'm too relieved to write much else. The only thing keeping me from celebrating in the streets is that Future President Mitt Romney is now one step closer to being President.

Enough about Santorum. Who gives a shit about losers! The next big story will be Romney's choice of running mate. Here's something I wrote in January projecting possible picks, though I'll likely write an updated version sometime soon.