So the government is spying on us (duh). I thought I'd share some of the data attached to my g-mail account that the government has gotten access to.
November 15, 2010: From me. No subject. Body: "i think gchat's broke"
199 chat and email conversations containing the phrase "Roger Rabbit" by me or the person I'm communicating with. 368 conversations containing the word "lunch." 762 that contain the word or a derivative of the word "fuck."
February 3, 2011: A cryptic email from me. Subject: "liveblog" Body: "Good idea"
November 2, 2010: To my then-girlfriend, now wife. Subject: "my phone is dead" Body: "my phone is dead." Incidentally, the government was probably able to track all of our wedding planning and, I know I don't have any evidence of this, but there may or may not have been drones flying overhead spying on the ceremony and reception. Joke's on them, we had a tent.
September 22, 2011: The government read a TON of emails like this consisting of aborted ideas for scripts or short stories, varying in degrees of funny-ness and feasibility. Subject: "script II idea" Body: "The President and his close advisors debate what joke to open an important presidential address with. Really melodramatic dialogue. Wry. Dry. Witty. Farsical. Speech-writer goes through list of jokes quickly, all denied. 'Damn it, what do I pay you for?'" Great now someone in the government thinks I'm a complete fucking moron because A) that story sounds shitty and B) I can't even spell "farcical."
A string of emails from that time in January 2010 when I briefly considered running for State Representative and absolutely crushing no-good patronage-beneficiary wannabe nobody Aaron Michlewitz. The federal government may or may not have read my entire campaign strategy. If they did I'm wondering if someone could give me feedback on that.
119 emails I received that say "do not reply." I gotta start working that into conversations I want to get out of. "Oh yeah if you wanted to respond to that last comment by me, please do not reply verbally. You're gonna have to Facebook me."
October 2, 2011: The government got to watch The Serum Magazine history unfold. Subject: "serum buttons" Body: "Make buttons for topics/subjects". Those shitty buttons still adorn this website, top right.
October 16, 2011: In a discussion with a former Serum contributor, I say I'd like him to write something about the NBA lockout, he says he'll write something unique or at least outlandish. I clarify: "Just call someone a racist and be done with it."
Thankfully, I see that neither I nor anyone who has ever emailed or chatted me on my g-mail account has used the word "prism," so maybe I flew under the radar on this thing anyway.
So many fucking emails from LinkedIn. Jesus Christ they send a lot of emails.
January 12-13, 2012: Email exchanged with a used book store in which I begged for store credit after I accidentally bought a book that was in German. They agreed to it.
January 27, 2013: Email from a friend. Subject: "You" Body: "Suck"
November 23, 2011: A message from my dentist letting me know their office moved.
Annual emails from Jeopardy! thanking me for registering for the online test. Zero emails from Jeopardy! inviting me to the next round of the process to get on the show.
Eight (8) different emails from the 2012 Fantasy Baseball season informing me that a trade requests I made were denied.
A time in October 2012 when I sent a scanned image of a political cartoon I drew once of Hillary Clinton wearing a KKK hood... you know what, I'm not going to describe that one.